Still Constipated

More than you needed to know? I’m not clogged as in I need more fiber in my diet constipated; I have a road block sitting in my head. I start to write and then I go crazy on the backspace key unhappy with the words I have laid down. I’m pushing and it is causing me mental hemorrhoids. To my knowledge there is no Preparation H for the brain, but maybe fiber isn’t a bad idea.

I contribute the clog to my busy schedule. The creative juices have been stalled because I have a lot going on right now in terms of change in my life …. all very good change though! But, in my heart of hearts I know it is not really the reason but a convenient excuse. So here is my come to Jesus to you: About this time of year 5 years ago I received an email from my Aunt Judy. We kept in touch infrequently mostly due to my emotional distance with my family. I had learned to protect myself from love at a young age even though I craved love. Love hurt you is what I had been educated on in life and so I was fairly adept at keeping people at a distance. So, Aunt Judy emails me with some troubling news about my mother. She was in the hospital and doing pretty bad. She was not sure she was going to survive. Now in my heart I knew she was telling me that if I wanted to see my mom, it had been 24 years, this would be the time and by the way you should see your mother. What I don’t think my family has ever understood about my relationship with my mother is how complicated and full of pain it was. I am sorry to say that I don’t remember a lot of joyous times with her. My memories are laced in a lot of confusion and pain over things she said to me. My mother and her siblings had lost their parents at a very young age and so I think they felt like I was cheating the opportunity they did not have with their parents. On the other hand, they were fully aware of my mother’s demons but probably not to the extent that she inflicted them on me. No one likes to believe bad things about loved ones.

So, I receive this email and I am emotionally stunned. Paralyzed I just sat there staring at the computer. I decided to call both of my dad’s separately for some advice. Both of them without hesitation jumped into “protect my daughter at all costs mode” at the mention of my mother. Both of them had felt her wrath at many points in their life and both had always attempted to shield me from just what she was capable of. Now remember, this is a woman who with all of the love in her heart was in more pain than I could ever imagine. And, she had been suffering this pain most of her life. What I am saying is that she was not a bad person, but she could do some pretty bad things. Both of my dad’s suggested I not go see her for two reasons: One, it would probably throw me into an emotional tail spin and Two, the guilt she would feel by seeing me would likely overwhelm her too. I decided that no matter what the circumstances were at this present time, I was not ready to see her and I needed to honor that feeling. This was not about her even though I was conflicted over the thought that she may need me and I may never get an opportunity to “see” her again. Conflicted because I am still the child and I was abandoned by her more times than I could count. I did not want to be a parent to her once again. I knew that would injure my spirit.

I decided not to go. She pulled through for about one month and then ended up back in the hospital passing away in December. I flew over there attempting to see her before she passed, but she died before I could get up there. Part of me regretted that and another part felt like it was for the best. Her whole death brings a lot of unresolved conflict into my little noggin. Because my family really did not “know” me, decisions were made.

We were all trying to take care of each other and ourselves at the same time and it was a mess. I could not possibly understand what they were going through losing their first sibling and unfortunately they did not understand what I was going through either …. because they did not know. Basically it was a terrible time for all of us and we did the best we could. I am without a doubt very fortunate to have all of my families support and I needed them at that time. Can you see the conflict? We did not really know anything about each other except through Christmas cards and the occasional email. It was weird. I had all of this love around me which was so touching but I felt so alone at the same time which was not an unusual feeling for me. I can only describe it as …. strange.

My point is this. Writing about my mother is very cathartic. It releases a lot of demons and it places memories into perspective as they relate to my current life. Writing about my mother is also painful. Some of my family reads these posts and while I try to remain raw with the descriptions because the story is the story (from my perspective), I am also trying to be respectful of their memory of her. They maintained a relationship with her. I did not.

So, I am backed up like a mildewy drain with 2 years of hair in the sink. Ewwwwww. I’m trying to get through it so I can get the story out, but I just ask you bare with me as I work through some feelings that have surfaced. The story shall continue when it is ready and until then I will try to place some anecdotal stories that would not otherwise make it in. Enjoy!

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