Tag Archives: my two dads

I am a parentless parent

I haven’t written in a very long time. I started and then graduated from Graduate  School (yeah for me!). I started and then ended a new job (5 years in what was not a fun job) and it showed me how much I am not a good fit for the corporate world. It only took me about 12 years to figure out, but hey sometimes the money is good and I can be a slow or perhaps stubborn learner.

What has really rocked my world was becoming a mother to twin boys. Yes, twins. It was a rocket of a ride being pregnant and working in an environment that was less than supportive. The less than supportive environment and toxic people I was surrounded with ended up being a good thing for my decision making. Being pregnant brought up old retired demons I thought I had rid myself of. Childhood fears bubbled to the surface and a steroidal mama bear was born. It was freeing and frightening.

There is so much I could and will eventually say about being a pregnant with twins woman, a twin mom, a wife and a changed member of society. What has really sent my rocket into unchartered territory is coping with the death of both of my dads in the span of 8 months. Even as I type that, it seems more real than it was before that sentence had not been typed by me and tears are streaming down my face. I am completely parentless.

My rock died first, Mel. My mentor, my comfort and the person who always saw the best part of me when I was at my worst. My Mel. It was and remains horrible to think of the world going on without him in it. He remains one of the most beautiful humans I know. His flaws made him all the more loveable and reminded me that he is no saint, but he is my dad. Watching him be a grandpa to my boys was a delight and the thought of my little ones not remembering his hugs and vulnerable love is almost more than I can handle. I will say the pain has been worth it. It reminds me of the love he and I still share. Without that love, there would not be the level of pain I am in and I will take that pain any day of the week than not experience the love.

It was a sudden and unexpected death. And, if there is one thing I know for sure it is that he was not ready to go. “I miss him” is a phrase that does not and could not embrace the depths of the hole in my life, but it’s the best the English language has to offer right now. And, I do. I miss him.

Fast forward to 8 months and one day later, and my biological dad died. Cancer. Fucking cancer. I am fairly certain he assisted and sped up his expiration date. His partner, the love of his life, was dying and just as I have a hard time imagining life without my Mel he could not imagine a life without his Barney. My dad delayed treatment for his cancer. He actually did not have to die. It was very treatable and discovered early. Barney was already dying and I believe my dad thought this would be an easier exit for him. So, 2 years after he was diagnosed and 2 months after Barney took his last breath my dad took too much of pain meds.

When both of your parents are gone (my mother has been gone for 10 years, but I didn’t really know her so this is different) you feel as if part of your history has disappeared. There is no one to ask about only the stories they know of you as a little person. There is no one who will love you as your parents love you. I know this now as a parent. I see my boys in a way no one else will ever see them. I was always my dad’s baby. I was always my dad’s pride. I was always my dad’s heart. And, I had that times two! Imagine seeing all of this in not one, but two different sets of daddy eyes. All girls should be so lucky.

Another chapter to write in my life. Another chapter I will be seeking silver linings from. My kids are better than a silver lining though. They are my constant reminders that life is here now and though the moments may be frustrating, sad and possibly defeated the moments are also giggling, discovering and receiving love from two 2 year olds that fills my heart with joy.

After all, it is only fair that I should be raising two boys after two dads raised me.

Devirginized – my wordpress cherry has been popped

I am half gay. Not in the sense I like to fool around with women and men, but in the sense of I have a straight mom and a gay dad. That’s right half gay. The means I am the product of a straight relationship but I grew up with my gay dad’s in the 80’s and 90’s where it was way uncool to have gay parents.

There were no shows on television that depicted my family. The closest was a show called “My Two Dad’s” which was about a girl whose mom was a super freak and had sex with two men and didn’t know who the baby daddy was. Very Maury Povich. There was no Ellen and Elton John was not even out of the closet. I can relate when I hear people of different colors and creeds say that they never saw anyone who looked like them on TV. Well, everyone looked like me – blonde hair with blue eyes if I ever get kidnapped thank God I look like this so I will be on the news with a fucking manhunt looking for me. Yup – NO GAY people who were out on television. Freddy Mercury was even playing it straight. What did this mean? It meant that I felt odd and misplaced for most of my childhood through teen years. But, ya know what it also meant? I was never molested because I was the Princessa of the house and nobody puts me in the corner. Most of my girlfriends have been molested if you are wondering where I pulled that one out from.

Life was “normal” because this was all I ever knew. I knew that I had to protect myself from the teasing at school, you may find my tongue to be sharp, and I knew that my dad’s felt shame for who they are. But, ya know what? I grew up in a charmed county where artistic expression was nurtured and where pot was more popular than vicodin. Not too shabby despite all of its challenges.

So, my wordpress cherry has now been popped. You now know a smidge about me. Welcome to my world and God help you for joining it 😉